s3e1

If you've ever had an urge hit you and thought, oh no, not again. I want you to take a breath with me because an urge can feel like an emergency. Your mind narrows, your body gets keyed up, and suddenly food feels urgent and convincing, like you've been swept into a current and your feet aren't touching the bottom anymore. Sometimes it feels like the ending is already assured, like there's just no other outcome possible other than binging. And I want you to know I'm with you in this. My job in this episode is to help this all make sense so you don't feel alone in the moment and you're not guessing at what this or that means. Welcome to season three of Breaking Up with Binge Eating. Starting this season is called the Urge Proof Life, and the premise is simple. The goal is not to eliminate your urges. The goal is to build a life where your urges don't run the show. Because urges are part of being human. People who feel peaceful around food, people without binge eating or any kind of disordered eating still have urges to do other things. They just don't get hijacked by them in the same way. And that's the skill we're going to build for you. So today I want to lay the foundation. What is an urge? What is it not? Why do urges feel so compelling? And what's one simple thing you can practice this week that starts to shift the pattern without turning recovery into a performance? Let me start with a scene that I hear versions of all the time. A client last week described her evenings to me like this. My schedule during the workday is pretty full. It's always one thing after another, but sometimes I actually get seriously bored because I'm in these meetings where I don't have anything to add, or I'm not even involved in the project being discussed. I just have to sit there and listen to people talk about it. I start thinking about how much I just want to get home, stop listening to people and eat and eat. And once I actually start thinking about the binge, it's hard to yank my attention back. Like, even if I do have some interest in a meeting or have something to contribute, it's like I've checked out for the day. Once I've gotten hooked by my plan to binge, there's zero percent chance that I'm not going to do it, she said. Once I have that visual going in my head, I just have to. I think that line really matters because that's how urges often feel like they're in order, like they're a command or a requirement. So here's the sentence I want you to hold on to this entire season. An urge is not an order. It's a signal. An urge. Is your system communicating something? It's information about pressure. Need vulnerability or predicted relief. My client did not know exactly what the signal was trying to tell her. She just knew that getting bored at work brought it up as reliably as night following day. And I know that it being a signal can sound a little abstract, so let's make it more concrete. Your brain and your body are always trying to keep you safe, to keep the organism that is you alive. Safe doesn't just mean not attacked by a bear. Safe also means not too hungry, not too depleted, not too overwhelmed. Not too alone. Not too flooded by emotion. Not too uncertain. When your system senses something's off here. When the pressure is rising or your capacity is dropping, it generates motivation. It generates a pull or a push, it generates urgency toward doing something that has worked before. And for many people, food has worked before. It's quick, it's accessible. It changes your state fast. It can soothe, numb, distract, comfort, reward, or give you something to do with your hands and mouth while your mind finally quiets down. Eating can fill time or give us something to look forward to. So an urge is not a moral failing. It's not evidence that you're weak. It's not proof that you can't be trusted. It's a signal from a system that's trying to solve a problem. You may have heard me say before that binges are more helpfully thought of as solutions rather than problems. Now, in this season, we're going to get really practical about different types of urges, because some urges are about hunger and fueling, others are about exhaustion. Some urges are about emotional relief, and some are about scarcity and rebellion. Still other urges result from cue chains and more of an autopilot mode. We'll map all of these out in episode two. But today, I want to clear up the biggest misconceptions that make urges feel scarier and stronger than they have to. The first misconception is that having an urge means something's wrong with you, or that you did something wrong. This one may seem obvious, but it's everywhere underneath the shame. People will say, I had an urge and I gave in. I'm back at square one. Or I had an urge. So I must not be doing anything better or I had an urge. But I don't know what I did to cause it. Not. That's not how it works. Urges are not a report card. They're just a signal. They tell you something about what your system is carrying, and you may not have had any role in causing that urge to start. So there's no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed. Our second misconception is that an urge is a prophecy. This is the. If I start, I won't stop line of thinking or if I eat one, I'm going to eat the whole bag. Or if I allow this into my house, I will lose control over it. That thought is not neutral. It's pathological. It's one. We definitely don't want to be a frequent flier in your headspace thinking if I start, I won't stop spikes. The pressure narrows your attention and makes the moment feel dangerous. It doesn't even make you feel like you have a choice. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy that declares once you begin eating, you will binge. And guess how well that thought train works at keeping you in control. The third misconception is that urges are emergencies. Yes, they are uncomfortable. Yes, they can be loud and repetitive and persuasive, but uncomfortable does not mean dangerous. A lot of people treat an urge to binge like a fire alarm. Like something must be fixed immediately or else. And the urgency to fix the urge becomes part of what actually escalates it. But one thing I specifically want to name today, because it keeps people trapped, is the myth that you have to give in to an urge to get rid of it. Some people genuinely believe this. They think if I don't binge, this urge is just going to keep getting worse until I do. I'm going to suffer and suffer until and unless I eat. They think the only way out is through binging. I want to be very clear that although this is a common belief and it makes sense why your brain would believe it, it doesn't actually work that way. An urge can rise, peak, and pass, even if you have no access or ability to binge. And binging doesn't reliably reduce urges anyway. eat everything to get rid of the urge is understandable, but it's not a way that you will actually get relief. Giving in to the urge to binge often buys you a short window of relief and then hands you a bigger wave of urges later. One of the most common triggers for urges is negative emotional states. And what do binges cause negative emotional states? Yeah. So It may be more helpful to think of binges causing urges and not the other way around. This matters a lot because it means you're not trapped when you have an urge. You're not doomed to suffer indefinitely unless you choose to binge. Urges can and will weaken, and they will pass. And you can learn to let an urge pass without turning it into a war or having to put up a massive amount of effort, because I know it's not sustainable to put forth massive efforts to fight the urge. I want to give you a really simple way to think about urges that will guide this whole season. The goal is not to get rid of urges. The goal is to keep urges from escalating because escalation is what turns. I want something into oh my God, I have to have it right now into I'm going to eat in a way that scares me and God help anybody who gets in my way. See what I mean? So what fuels that escalation? Because if we could stop at the. MM, I kind of want something, we'd be in much more control. Here are a few things that increase that escalation. When we recognize them, we can stop them. First panic language. Oh, no. Not again. Aw, this is horrible. Or this is a really bad urge. Or I can't handle this. All of this type of language tells your nervous system that there is danger in the room. Another thing that fuels escalation is negotiation. Maybe just this once, or I'll start dieting tomorrow. Or I'll make up for it later. I deserve one more after being so good today. This sort of negotiation keeps your brain locked in debate, which just keeps that urge active. You may have read in my book Lean Habits, my jokingly named George's Law. Is that the odds of you giving in to a food craving increase proportionally with the amount of time you spend debating with it. In other words, I recommend you don't negotiate with terrorists, toddlers, or baked goods. Next thing that fuels escalation is future tripping. That sounds like, well, if I eat this, I'm gonna gain weight and then I'll have to restrict and then I'll be out of control. That sort of storytelling of what happens in the future. These stories often add fear, and fear adds urgency. You don't want to start painting a doomsday scene to terrify yourself when you haven't even done anything yet. You can simply turn the wheel and not have to go through that whole unpleasant aftermath. Another thing that drives escalation, shame, and secrecy. When the urge becomes something you have to hide or hate. The pressure increases. Planning out how to evade your roommate? Get away from your family for an hour, or disguise the evidence of an eating episode all escalate the situation. Lastly, all or nothing thinking. I already messed up. The day is ruined. I might as well. These thoughts flip the switch and make stopping feel pointless. These are not just thoughts, they are pressure multipliers. They pour gasoline on the fire and we want to get rid of those. So here's the first question. Shift of an urge proof life. Instead of asking, how do I stop this? Try asking how do I ride this out without making it worse? That question alone often starts to bring the pressure down because it stops the panic and returns you to problem solving. You're speaking as if you are someone in the driver's seat. You are. You're in the driver's seat. When an urge hits, most people feel like they have two options fight it tooth and nail or given completely. I want you to remember there's a third option. You can coexist with an urge while you lower the heat. Not for hours, not forever, but long enough for choice to reenter the picture. Here's a simple four step first move that you can use. We're going to expand this in a later episodes, but today I want it to be something you can reasonably remember. First label it, say to yourself, this is an urge and then add it's a signal, not an order. That might sound too simplistic, but naming it changes your relationship to it. It moves the experience from this is happening to me to, oh, I know what this is. Second, use neutral language in your thoughts. Try. This is uncomfortable, not dangerous, or something in me wants relief or my system is under pressure and I'm noticing that you're not trying to be positive, you're just trying to be aware and regulating. Third, do one small pause 10s 30s even 60s. You could take five slow breaths. You could sit down for a minute, put both your feet on the floor. Maybe you just take one slow exhale. Maybe you just step out of the room you're in. And I want to make this explicit. Pausing is not a trick to somehow bar you from eating. Pausing is just a way to restore choice. If after the pause you decide you want to eat, that's allowed. The point is that you're making the decision from a steadier place, not from urgency. Fourth, ask one simple question what is this urge asking for? And if your brain goes blank, it's okay. It often just means you're really tired. Offer yourself a short menu. Is this urge asking for food because I'm hungry? Is it asking for rest because I'm depleted? Is it asking for relief because I've been feeling uncomfortable? Is it asking for connection because I feel alone? Is it asking for predictability? Because everything feels chaotic right now. You don't have to necessarily get the answer right to this question. The act of asking is the biggest move away from panic and towards support. When you ask these questions, it's showing you care enough to try and figure out what's going on with you. Imagine if somebody else asked you similar questions. It would be clear that this is someone who's concerned and that they care enough to find out more. Here's a little script you can borrow when you're having an urge, and it's loud and your brain is not doing so great in the coming up with words department. Okay, this is an urge. It's a signal, not an order. I don't have to solve my whole life right now. I'm going to slow down. What do I actually need? food, rest, comfort, connection, or a break. That script is not a magic spell, but it's a way of not feeding the urge with fear. Because remember, the urge is going to pass. It does not require a binge to end, and bingeing often only buys relief for a very short time at the cost of more urges later. Now, I want to close this episode with the practice for the week. This is intentionally real small. The goal isn't fixing massive things. It's to start building the gap between having an urge and taking an action. This week, I want you to catch and label one to three of your urges, depending on how frequently you experience them. When you catch one, don't make it a test of whether you eat or not. Your only job is to label and reduce escalation. That's it. You can jot down a few notes if you want. Like what time it was, what state you were in. hungry, tired, stressed, lonely, etc. you might note what story showed up and what tiny thing reduced the pressure for you even a little bit. Was it sitting down? Stepping out of the room, taking a breath, texting somebody, eating a snack, or turning down stimulation. And if you don't catch three, that doesn't mean you failed. It just means you were living your life. You can try again next week. This is data, not a test of your worth. Because remember, this is treatable and you don't have to do it alone. In the next episode we're going to build your urge map. These are the most common urge types and how to tell which one you are having so you can match the tool to the mechanism. That's when this gets even more practical. For now, the takeaway is simple an urge is not an order, it's a signal. And your job is learning how to keep them from escalating. I'm glad you're here. I'll see you in the next episode.