Ways To Connect With People That Don't Center Around Food
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Georgie: [00:00:00] This is the breaking up with binge eating podcast, where every listen moves you one step closer to complete food freedom hosted by me, Georgie fear and my team at confident eaters.

Oh, I am eating mom's pierogies, Irina said. Her Ukrainian family would not have any holiday or special dinner without them, and when I asked if she wanted to do anything different this year for the annual family reunion, her immediate reaction was to shoot down any notion that some dietitian named Georgie was going to make her say no to her mom's handmade pierogies.

After reassuring her that my approach to health does not include banishing our favorite foods, I listened as Irina fondly recalled her mom making massive batches of [00:01:00] pierogies when she was a kid. She would take the whole day and fill an entire freezer with pierogies. Irina and her brother asked for them constantly and they both loved them still as adults.

This is a beautiful example of how food can be a part of connection. This includes connecting us to our families, to our heritage, and connecting us to our fondest memories. But trouble can arise if you try to modify your eating habits, because you may fear that these connections will be threatened.

Let's say Irina developed a wheat allergy. She might not medically be advised to eat pierogies anymore. Thankfully, this hasn't happened, it's just a hypothetical. But if it did happen What would go on? Well, she would still attend the family reunion. She would still see her parents, her brother, and all of her extended family.

She would not eat the pierogies, but she would eat other homemade Ukrainian dishes like borscht, roasted [00:02:00] potatoes, and cabbage rolls, and the day would probably still involve the same amount of laughter, love, and reminiscing as it had in all the previous years. Not having pierogies on her plate wouldn't be that fundamental of a change in her enjoyment of the reunion.

Her connection to her family is not pierogi contingent. Now, I'd like you to imagine a different hypothetical situation. Irina does not develop a wheat allergy, but instead she loses her sense of hearing. Or lost her voice. Or worse, both. Imagine how these changes would impact the experience of going to a family reunion.

Not being able to hear what other people are saying, or not being able to contribute to the conversation, is far more likely to leave her feeling less connected, even though she could eat pierogies and everything else. So clearly, there's a lot more to connecting with people than [00:03:00] eating particular foods. Today I'd like to give you some ideas for ways you can connect with and enjoy time together with others without feeling like you must eat a particular way or default to socializing over food or drinks.

If you are going to Mama's house, and Mama wants to fill you to the brim with her corn tamales and tres leches cake, but you are learning to eat just enough, gosh, what can you say to Mama? I encourage people to be very generous with their verbal praise of the food and appreciation and love for the cook.

It might sound like, nobody is ever going to make tamales like you, Mama. They are just so fantastic. Check. I've had my share of restaurant tamales, but they don't measure up to these. You have ruined me forever. I am now a tamale perfectionist. Oh, no seconds for me on cake. It's delicious, but my stomach is only so big.

When I come here, I always get filled up with food and love. You are so good to me. Words [00:04:00] are a very effective way of making the chef feel loved and appreciated. Instead of overeating to show appreciation, try savoring each bite with clear delight, stopping eating when you feel satisfied, and continuing to speak out loud your love and thanks for the food and their company.

Meeting someone for lunch or dinner is a common way to socialize or go on a date, but it's not the only option. If you are trying to eat fewer restaurant meals, which tend to be less healthy and more calorie dense, why not meet somebody for coffee or tea, take a walk together, or plan a spa day?

Grabbing coffees and watching a sunrise or sunset could be a much better way to spend time together than seeing a movie or show, in particular because it enables you to talk more. You could also watch a sporting event. Anything from high ticket professional sports to your nephew's Little League game is an [00:05:00] opportunity to sit and chat with someone.

Let's say you need to meet with somebody for a business meeting, but you find boardrooms are a little stuffy and not your style. You may default into always grabbing a meal together, but there's still other options. For example, you might suggest, hey, let's brown bag lunch it and sit in a coffee shop to talk that over.

Bringing a homemade lunch is generally going to be healthier than ordering food from a restaurant. Walking meetings are also an excellent choice if the weather's good, and most people find them less boring than yet another hour on Zoom. Let's say your co workers have a routine of meeting after work for drinks every Friday.

This is a new job for you, and if you'd like to join in and make friends, you could feel a bit of tension if you're also trying to not drink alcohol, or only drink sparingly. What do you do? I say join in. Go with them. And if you want a non alcoholic beverage, you order one. Connections with people are fostered [00:06:00] by what you say, how you listen, and whether you show interest and curiosity about them.

It's not about what's in your glass. You aren't going to drink your way into a valuable circle of friends, especially if you were a poor listener, interrupted people constantly, or treated other people like they don't matter. Just the same drinking club soda will not make you a social outcast. In particular, if you're a good person to get to know, you're friendly and engaged, people really won't mind whatever you choose to order.

Remember that friendships form with the passage of time, plus things like reciprocal vulnerability, trust, and being there for each other. There's nothing that says you have to share the same taste in food as your friends, and you don't have to mirror each other's drinking habits. Sharing food, or a love of similar foods, can be something that is part of your connection, but it's not a necessity.

And if it is [00:07:00] something that originally connected you to somebody else, the friendship won't necessarily fall apart simply because you choose to eat healthier or drink a little less. Food can also be part of connecting with your heritage, or with fond memories, as I mentioned earlier. So, as I often remind my clients, it's important to keep in mind that this connecting aspect of food is independent of the quantity of food.

Let's say the taste of glazed ham might bring you right back to a childhood of Easter dinners, but you can enjoy that connection while still having a reasonable serving of ham. Eating a pound of ham does not provide any stronger connection or any greater feelings of pleasure. If, for any reason, you choose to not use food at all, you can still connect to your heritage or personal past through other traditions.

Folk art, traditional music, and styles of dress are [00:08:00] all ways people experience and connect with their heritage. They also may view photos, tell stories, and visit important places to bring up fondness and nostalgia. Sometimes family traditions circulate around food, but, there's also many other family traditions, like watching Christmas music and playing carols around the holidays.

So, whether pierogies are eaten or not, isn't actually that much of an issue. Connecting with other people is a beautiful experience, and one of the most important things for mental health. We want you to have strong bonds to other people, without worrying that that conflicts with wanting to get healthier and eat better. If you fear that eating less or choosing healthier foods or consuming less alcohol will limit the closeness of your relationships, remember that spending time with people is much more important than overeating together. Ask yourself, am I really paying attention to these people?

[00:09:00] Am I being interested in their lives? Am I looking for opportunities to help people and accept help from them? These are the questions to ask yourself when you really wanna make sure that you're getting all the closeness you can out of your relationships and interactions with your friends.