How to have honest conversations about your eating (without excessive awkwardness!)
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Georgie: [00:00:00] This is the breaking up with binge eating podcast, where every listen moves you one step closer to complete food freedom hosted by me, Georgie fear and my team at confident eaters.

Hi everybody, and welcome to the Breaking Up With Binge Eating podcast. As always, I'm one of your hosts, Georgie Fear, and today we're going to talk about having honest conversations about your eating, and most importantly, how to have those conversations without it getting really stilted and awkward.

We'll talk about conversations you may want to have with your doctor about your eating, communications that you might have with a spouse or partner, and how your eating difficulties might come up between friends. This doesn't have to be a secret that you keep all to yourself. Communication is such an important piece of our lives and relationships. [00:01:00] So Christina and I are thinking this is going to be a really helpful episode.

Christina: And part of the reason why I think this will be so helpful is because we all want to be known and understood and supported by other people in our lives. These are crucial elements of health and happiness, but binge eating disorder and other types of disordered eating can leave us shrouded in secrecy.

So today we're going to talk about each of these in the context of having struggles with binge eating. First being known, being understood, and being understood. And finally, being supported. If you haven't told anybody about your difficulties with emotional eating or binge eating, this is an important milestone. This is being known.

Georgie: For many people, telling their doctor is one of the first steps toward getting better. Don't assume that your doctor already assumes you binge eat or compulsively eat because of your measurements, your body size, or health conditions. The best doctors know that people with eating disorders come in every shape and [00:02:00] every size, and people of any size may also be perfectly happy with their eating.

So saying it clearly will be the best way to begin managing your condition together. Here are some ways you might bring up the topic. I've heard of something called binge eating disorder and it sounds like it could be me. Or I think I might have binge eating disorder. I feel like I lose control of my eating pretty often, and it's really upsetting to me.

Or, I've tried a lot of times to lose this excess weight, but I think I might be having more trouble than most people because I have some kind of problem, like binge eating disorder. I think I might need something different than just going on a diet. All of these are clear ways that you can let your doctor know that you may not be looking for just a diet pamphlet or weight loss advice.

Christina: Something we also highly recommend, is telling your friends, family, or partner about your eating challenges. Keeping it a secret only makes you feel shameful about it, and it's not [00:03:00] necessary. Plus, if the people close to you understand what you're working on in your own life, they can support you and not inadvertently make your recovery harder.

If you give your friend Sheila the death stare as she is leaving the Super Bowl party and say, Sheila, you are taking these leftover cupcakes with you, she's more likely to catch your drift if she's clued in about your eating difficulty. You don't even need to use the word binge if you don't want to. Many people don't really understand it anyway.

Georgie: That's a good point. I was thinking the same with doctors. When I was reading that last segment with my suggested phrases, like, You can even explain this to your doctor without using the word binge or binge eating disorder. Just, I feel like my food intake is getting out of my control sometimes. And I don't know what to do about that. Anyhow, if you're meeting a pal, and let's say she asks, How's your day been? How's your week been? You might include your food difficulties in your update. Well, work's been better lately, Jamie's still busy with soccer, but I'm stressing a lot lately over food. I know most people fret about food on [00:04:00] some level, but I'm talking serious.

It's at the point where I think I might need some help. In this example, I didn't give any details to the hypothetical friend about the food stress, but it made the key point that eating slash food is significantly upsetting to me. Most friends will be empathetic and supportive. They may share, oh yeah, I can relate.

Or ask more about what's going on and how they can help. And then it's up to you how much you want to share. Such as whether this has been a problem for a long time, or if it's only gotten worse recently. You might tell your friend what you're thinking about doing as a next step.

Like, you know, maybe I'll work with a professional. Or, I'm learning a lot from this podcast I'm listening to called Breaking Up With Binge Eating.

Christina: Yes, and there is a decent chance that your friend will think you're talking about your weight when you bring up these challenges, and they might say something like, but you look great, there's no reason to be upset. In which case, you will want to correct them and be a bit more specific by adding in Something, like [00:05:00] any of these suggested phrases.

No, I don't mean my weight, Erica. I mean the way I'm eating is upsetting. I eat until I'm way too full, and I can't sleep. I wait until my family's in bed to eat, because I'm too ashamed for them to see. I'm thinking about food so much that I feel like I'm missing out on my life or my kid's lives. I know it's not a healthy relationship with food.

Again, no use of the B word and it's not about how much you weigh. You're talking about how you feel. It's right on topic for a catch up conversation between friends, which usually centers around what's going on in your lives. So the positive stuff is included as well as your current challenges in those kinds of conversations.

Georgie: Let's say, more specifically, you want to explain to your partner, because they know something's going on, which they probably do, but it's been a topic that neither of you really talk about. They might have seen food wrappers, or picked up on other binge traces, or noticed food has disappeared from the [00:06:00] kitchen. Or you may have been acting weird, highly upset, not wanting to go anywhere sometimes because you binged. But you don't want to tell your partner that's the reason, so they just don't figure out why you're in such a suddenly bad mood. Your partner may just give you space and not pry, but then walk away not understanding what really happened. Family members or partners sometimes have expressed frustration to my clients. Like, Mom, you ate all the ice cream again! Or, Steve, didn't your doctor tell you to stop eating sugar? What's with the Skittles bag? Comments like these are incredibly painful because the person afflicted with binge eating disorder also would like to be more in control of their food.

Conflicts over eating only add embarrassment and anger to a situation already heavy. with shame and frustration. Next, let's get to being understood.

Christina: The key misunderstanding that we first need to clear up is almost always that someone with binge eating [00:07:00] disorder thinks that their family member with binge eating disorder is simply eating too much by choice, or not trying hard enough to be healthy or lose weight, or that they lack self control or isn't considerate of the fact that other people in the house wanted some of that ice cream too.

But of course, everyone listening to this podcast knows that none of these are true. Being understood means communicating the truth to our loved ones to replace those misconceptions that they have in their minds. If we let them go on believing those falsehoods, then nothing is going to get better.

Georgie: First, take into account that if your family member is angry or frustrated, they will default to getting defensive. In a defensive mode, nobody is going to be very open to learning new truths, so you might just want to wait until everyone is calm. Here are some ways you might be able to increase their understanding of your true situation. Hey, I know it might look to you like I'm just being rebellious or careless when [00:08:00] I eat like that, but that's not what's actually happening. I eat like that when I'm in so much distress that I can't cope with it, and I hate it. I desperately want to stop. I just haven't been successful so far.

Christina: Also you can use the phrase that we mentioned in the previous section, which is, I might need to get some help for it because I might not be able to stop this on my own. This is a powerful and brave statement. It erases any delusion that you just ate an extra piece of chocolate now and then. It also counters the mistaken idea that you aren't trying when you admit that you're putting in a lot of effort and you still haven't been able to stop.

Sometimes a family member doesn't grasp the seriousness of the situation. They might actually think that your eating is fine and seem mystified by how upset you sometimes get over it. Seeing your tear streaked face, your spouse may ask, Honey, what's the matter? When you reply, Ugh, I ate so much. It doesn't help to hear, "It's no big deal, sweetie. [00:09:00] Everyone does that." Because you know that not everyone eats an entire cake in one sitting, or three fast food entrees. It only leaves you feeling more misunderstood, like, do I have to spell out exactly how much I ate? You just don't get it.

Georgie: Here's what to do. When someone confuses your issue that you're trying to describe with normal, mild overeating. Try saying, I know everyone overeats at times, but that's not what I'm experiencing. I don't want to get into the exact amounts or things I ate. I just need you to understand that I'm upset because I'm losing control at times with food.

It's like if your brakes failed in the car. It's terrifying. This is more serious than the typical ate too much at Thanksgiving. Remember to keep the focus on communicating that this pattern is highly upsetting to you and that you want to be taken seriously. That brings us to being supported.

Christina: Yeah. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to request exactly what forms [00:10:00] of support we would appreciate. Ideally, our partners or family members would intuitively know how to make our lives easier and would do so 100 percent of the time.

But we don't live in a perfect world, so we're going to have to spell it out. Which means we first have to understand what will help us and be clear on that ourselves. So first let's cover one thing that will not help. You don't need food police. It's not really advisable to try and have other people to stop you from binge eating.

If someone offers, should I like stop you if you're eating multiple desserts? We encourage you to turn them down. When you're having a conversation to help your loved ones understand you, feel free to absolve them of any responsibility for being the food police. It's not your responsibility to stop me can be a good phrase.

I can take responsibility for my food choices is another. I suggest saying, but what can really help is if you notice that I'm upset, whether or not I'm eating, and you [00:11:00] have the bandwidth, asking me what's bugging me and if I want to talk or go into another room or go outside. Remember if I'm binge eating, it's not about the food, but rather that I'm at a breaking point level of distress.

Georgie: Many of our clients need or want a specific type of help from their family members, but they also hesitate to ask for it. Or they've gathered the courage to ask for it, and the request wasn't very successful. They were ignored, denied, or their family just forgot in a short time what they were asking for. If this has happened to you, we've got some advice on how to actually get the support that's reasonable to expect from a close relationship. The most frequent way our clients want to be supported is cooperation in managing the food which is kept in the house.

Keeping snack cakes, cookies, ice cream, or potato chips outside of the house makes life a lot easier for some people who are working on stopping binging or eating [00:12:00] emotionally. This, however, can create disagreements if someone else in the house really wants to keep these foods around. Many times a compromise is necessary, which is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.

If one person wants zero of these foods around, and somebody else would prefer to stock the pantry full of snack food and candy, there is a lot of middle ground.

Christina: In negotiating, this tends to go best when you bring up the difficulty that you're having by asking your loved one if they're willing to help in even a small way. For bonus agreement power, acknowledge up front that you don't want to make them miserable or take away all the fun. You could say something like this.

Babe, I'm having such a hard time with food lately, and then temptations keep tripping me up when I'm home. I know that you like having them here, and I don't want to make you miserable. I'm sure we can come up with a solution if we put our heads together.

Can you help me on this? If you bring several ideas to the conversation, you can discuss each of them to see which your partner might be willing to [00:13:00] do. Sometimes a storage adjustment is just the thing. Maybe your roommates are okay with keeping particular foods in a particular cabinet, which you can explain helps you because you don't have to look at them all the time.

It also might be an opaque bin, the basement, or the chest freezer in the garage. One of my clients actually placed a combination lock in the designated sugary food cabinet, which struck me as a bit of an extreme solution, but it did create peace in the house. Some families with teens I have other clients who have experienced this as well. Have the kids just keep their snack foods in their rooms, not in the family kitchen.

Georgie: Or you might come to an agreement on bringing certain types of food home, but not others. Let's say you have no issue with Pistachio or strawberry ice cream because you're not really a fan of those flavors, but your wife is happy to only keep those two on hand, well, problem solved. Of course, this can translate to endless varieties of any food.

There may be a particular type of cookie or chocolate or [00:14:00] candy that doesn't present a problem for you, but meets your partner's desire to have some fun food in the house. Other issues that can arise and you may need to talk about include personal habits, such as one partner wanting to eat dessert with every meal, or wanting to eat snacks directly from the bag on the couch.

Maybe somebody wants to go out frequently or drink alcohol more than the other partner. Maybe they cook macaroni and cheese a bit too frequently. Asking someone, can you just not do that? That is not likely to be successful or particularly helpful for the warmth of your relationship. Instead, think through these options.

1. Ask them if they would avoid bringing the entire bag of popcorn to the couch and instead put what they'd like to eat in a bowl. 2. Compromise on the frequency of eating in restaurants or ordering takeout to see if there's something that makes you both happy. Maybe a current situation of three nights a week feels like it's just too much, but one night a week would be something that you [00:15:00] both could really enjoy. Third, if your partner cooks or orders food which doesn't match what you would like to have, whether that's for nutrition or taste, let them know a specific adjustment that would make it better for you.

That might mean throwing a bagged salad into a bowl to go alongside the mac and cheese, or ordering some vegetables with the Chinese takeout. Again, the specificity of your request is what will help this work. Saying, could you just make some veggies with this? Or why did you get another meal with no veggies?

Isn't going to be as effective as, next time we get Chinese, could you order me this? And point to it on the menu.

Christina: I actually have a recent client with the whole frequency of desserts and eating in front of the TV. And her request was, you know, not having dessert every night. Can we space it out? And her partner was super open about it, but she was. You know, really afraid to bring that up at first because it was like, Oh, we just love connecting in this way to have dessert after dinner in front of the TV.

And it was a lot less [00:16:00] scary than she thought it was. And he wanted to support her with her food challenges. So I think these are very practical things. It's definitely something we've used in the last several weeks with our clients.

Georgie: Yeah, I don't know if you hear this from your clients as well, Christina, but so many times people say, But it's not his problem, I shouldn't ask him to change his food, or her. Like, it's not the kid's problem that mommy can't control herself around this particular item. Like, why should they have to go without?

But, I don't think that's really the best way of looking at it. I think, You're a family, you're going to work together on a lot of things in life and most family members are very reasonable about adjusting or compromising or switching the way that they do something, especially if you're not making a blanket statement like, would you just stop eating junk food?

I mean, most people are not going to be willing to do that, but putting things in a different cabinet or buying one flavor instead of another flavor when they enjoyed them both is very reasonable.

Christina: Exactly. So, lastly, support can [00:17:00] often come in the form of words, either said or unsaid. Supportive words can take the form of a reassurance that you look just fine when you're having a poor body image day. Or a reminder that you can and will succeed at recovering, even though you inevitably make mistakes.

Support can sound like, hey, I'm with you. Whatever happens, we'll face it together. Earlier in this episode, we made the point that you don't want anybody to take the role of the food police or binge prevention officer, which is trademarked. term that Georgie came up with. In line with that theme, here are some pointers on things that are better left unsaid.

Are you going to eat all of that? Aren't you full already? Are you sure you need ice cream? Ew, that looks awful. Brussels sprouts are gross. I don't know how you can eat that. You know that's not good for you. Why can't you just eat blank like a normal person? Generally, yucking someone [00:18:00] else's yum or saying anything about how much or what another person is eating Fall into the better left unsaid category and we actually have an episode on food shame that sort of falls into that category.

Georgie: yeah. Excellent point. I'm glad you remember some of these episodes

Christina: So we'll link the food shame episode in there as well because It's sort of related here.

Georgie: One exception to this that might be good to keep in mind is if your partner is not eating because they are ill or tremendously upset, that might be the one circumstance in which you may want to point out, like, Oh honey, you didn't have any dinner. You haven't eaten today. I think you still need some fuel. Can I get you something? But, because it's always easier to make requests simple, our general rule, without the exception, is to keep it straightforward. Please don't comment on what or how much I eat.

I'm really sensitive to that and it's more likely to do harm than anything else. That's a big way you can support me. And if you need to repeat the first sentence, [00:19:00] just to make sure you're being heard, be as patient as you can. Sometimes people forget, but keep repeating it and being consistent. Please don't comment on what or how much I eat.

Sometimes I've heard people need to say this three, four, or five times with family members. Please don't comment on what or how much I eat. And sometimes it's twin phrase, which is, please don't comment on my weight. But the neat thing is, it does eventually not need to be said anymore. People understand that they're going to get, rejected is a strong word, but people are going to get shut down if they open that line of inquiry.

Christina: Yeah, one thing I will say too, like, what I understand about boundaries is you have to keep restating them. You can't just say it once and then expect like, Oh, I'll never have to say it again because not really how it works.

And this is sort of a boundary that you're setting with. We're not going to talk about that. So just know that it's normal if you have to repeat yourself.

Georgie: Yeah. It's just one of the skills of communication is the willingness to repeat yourself when [00:20:00] needed and understand that, you set a boundary, but then you also have to like maintain and defend that boundary consistently for it to have real meaning.

Christina: Exactly. Well, we hope that this episode has been helpful, encouraging to you. Thank you so much to every person listening. We hope our hard work producing the show helps you feel seen, understood, and supported. If so, we would love it if you could leave a review or a rating of the show so we can reach more ears for free around the globe. Thanks so much for listening and we will catch you in the next episode.

Georgie: P. S. If you found the language examples in this episode helpful to you, I'll put them together into a PDF so that you can literally have a cheat sheet to study before you have any of these conversations. To get the cheat sheet, head to confidenteaters.com and in the little chat box say, Hey, send me the language examples and I will see it and make sure you get them. [00:21:00]