The Lie Behind "I Don't Deserve To Have Good Things" (BUWBE)
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Georgie: [00:00:00] This is the breaking up with binge eating podcast, where every listen moves you one step closer to complete food freedom hosted by me, Georgie fear and my team at confident eaters. /

Christina: Let me ask you something, and I want you to take a second before you answer. When was the last time you felt comfortable doing something nice for yourself? Choosing a lovely meal, or buying yourself a nice item of clothing or enjoying a massage, not because you earned it or for hitting a goal or checking off a box, but just because you exist.

Georgie: Comfortable doing something nice for yourself. That's a hard question, especially if you've lived your life through the lens of food rules, body shame, or perfectionism. Somewhere along the line, the idea of deserving crept in. Maybe you feel that you are allowed something good, only if you've been good or been productive, and if you haven't, you get scraps.

You get the bare minimum. But wait, shouldn't doing things that are pleasing come naturally? In our opinion, yes, and they probably did once.

Christina: We see this belief show up all the time in binge eating recovery. I don't deserve to buy better quality food because I'll just binge on it. I don't deserve to rest, I haven't done enough. I don't deserve kindness. I made a mistake. I don't deserve help. Look how many people need it more than me. This belief is everywhere. It's subtle and we rarely question it, but it's not harmless. It's not responsible. It's just unkind.

Georgie: So today we're going to talk about that belief. "I don't deserve good things." Where it comes from, how it shows up, [00:02:00] not just with food, but with rest, care, pleasure, and even hope. And what starts to shift when you stop trying to earn your worth and start practicing receiving. So where does this belief, "I don't deserve good things" actually come from? It's not random.

It's not your personality or encoded in your genes. It's usually a belief that gets installed early in life, reinforced through rehearsal in our own minds, and repeated enough times that it starts to feel like the truth. Here are some of the most common origins and what they look like in real life.

Christina: The first common origin is internalized shame. Shame is a negative emotion centered on a core belief of being fundamentally flawed, unworthy, and bad rather than a specific action. Shame says there's something wrong with me, not I made a mistake, but I am the mistake. I had a client named Lena who described this feeling of being too much and not enough at the same time.

She grew up in a home where affection was rare, but criticism was constant. She told me that even as a child, she felt like the reason she wasn't loved more was because she hadn't earned it.

So, as an adult, receiving kindness felt uncomfortable and foreign. She had a tendency to downplay compliments, sabotage, progress, and binge after anything joyful. That's shame at work. One of the worst things about feeling shame is that you can't perform any action that will erase it. You have to drop the belief of yourself as not being good enough and explore a whole new way of being in the world.

One where you have the mindset that you are as worthy as all the other people on the planet. Simple, but definitely not easy.

Georgie: Secondly, the idea of not deserving good things can come from conditional worth messaging. This is when you understand that love or value is [00:04:00] earned through performance. I worked with a client named Marco who could never really rest. If he took even a couple hours off of work during the afternoon, he'd tell himself he was lazy. He'd binge that night not just on food, but on Netflix and wine, and then feel ashamed and push himself doubly hard the next day. Work, gym, productivity, control. He once said, if I'm not producing something or getting something done, I am not okay. Growing up, love came with strings praise only followed high grades, good behavior or achievement. So as an adult, rest felt like a crime and nourishing food- he felt like he didn't deserve it after a binge. He had to restrict first to prove he was back on track. Many of the people who come to us have an internalized fat bias. This is a specific kind of conditional worth where body size is the condition. They feel like thin people are more valuable and deserving than people with more body fat. They say things like, no, I don't eat bagels at work meetings. I'm fat. Only thin women can eat carbs in public. Sometimes, conditional worth messaging appears as the, when I'm thinner caveat. I'm thinner, I'll buy nice clothes or get my hair done professionally. Right now, I just wear whatever. When I'm thinner, I'll get in the pool, but right now I'm staying under my umbrella. If I were thinner, I could wear shorts or I can't wait to wear a tank top. I don't want to politely tiptoe around refuting this belief, so I'm just contradicting it. Everyone needs to eat. All people have an equal right to eat in peace, stay comfortable in the heat, and wear whatever clothes they want to. Everyone can wear a tank top. If you wouldn't stand for someone telling your best friend that they didn't deserve a nice haircut until they were [00:06:00] thinner, don't stand for that logic in your own head. If you would be outraged by a sign at the pool that said only people with the correct body shape may wear two piece swimsuits, and I hope like me, that you would be outraged. Don't let that thought fly freely in your own mind when you are in a dressing room.

Christina: Another pattern we see is fear. Not of the good things themselves, but of what happens if they don't last. I worked with a client named Kelly who would start to feel better in her recovery and then binge. She told me whenever I feel good, I start waiting for the crash. So I kind of cause it myself.

At least then I'm not blindsided. That's the fear of impermanence. For Kelly, it felt safer to block good things than to risk losing them. She believed she didn't deserve to be proud of herself or to enjoy things that she worked hard for because the letdown would always be coming.

Even thinking about a fun weekend away with her boyfriend or friends made her uneasy because she'd start imagining how hard it would be to return to work Monday, or how sad it would be the first quiet night home alone again. Over time, Kelly has been learning to just let good things happen to her and let herself make progress with reducing her disordered eating symptoms.

It turns out she doesn't have to throw a wrench into the works.

Georgie: At the root of all of these examples are negative core beliefs like, "I'm unlovable", "I'm bad", or "I don't matter." These beliefs are deep, often develop early in life, and they color everything. One client told me that if she saw something like a pint of strawberries in the fridge after her husband had been grocery shopping, she'd immediately think, "oh, those are for other people." Not because anyone told her directly, but because she believed that things like nutritious foods, joy and care weren't meant for her. It was her own home. Those pint of strawberries [00:08:00] were bought for her and her family, yet she assumed that her kids and her husband should eat the strawberries.

Christina: I was just thinking of the conversation with Allison, how she talks about. oh, well, dinner is always balanced because that's for my kids. Like if I'm making a meal for my kids and my family, then it'll be balanced. But if it's just for me, I'm just kind of throwing stuff together, so,

Georgie: Right. that's what these beliefs do. They don't just shape how you think, they shape what you feel permitted to receive. I've noticed whenever we have a cantaloupe or a watermelon and I might be cutting it up for my husband. I always cut like the inner sweet part for him, and then I take like the part right next to the rind. I'm like the scrap eater. So I'll cut up an apple for him and I'll eat the core. Yeah, it's just, I do notice that and like where does it come from? Like, oh, I'm fine with this part that may be less flavorful, but I want him to have the best part. And like some of that's love,

Christina: Sure.

Georgie: of that's also, am used to taking the scraps.

Christina: Yeah. So if any part of you resonates with these stories, if you've ever stood in a grocery store or looked at a quiet afternoon or felt a compliment land and instantly recoiled, we want you to know it makes sense. That belief didn't start with you but it can end with you. Let's talk more about how this belief shows up in the way people feed themselves. Because food is one of the most direct ways we act on our beliefs about worth.

Georgie: It can show up in grocery shopping. Clients say things to me like, I just can't bring myself to buy fresh fruit. It's so expensive. Why would I spend $9 on salmon when I've just been out of control all week? Or I'm not the kind of person who buys fancy yogurt. A lot of times this shows up as a sort of financial rationale over, well, this food's too expensive and I completely understand food budgeting is real. Both Christina and I can't just [00:10:00] eat caviar every day, but at the same time, we can question why are we so thrifty when it comes to our own groceries, where maybe we would spend more on other things or for other people.

Christina: Yeah, and it also shows up in how people eat, like skipping meals after a binge, or eating food, standing up or eating in secret, choosing bland or boring meals as a kind of punishment. Feeling like you're not allowed to eat well until you prove you're back in control. Feeling like you can't eat particular foods or in public unless you look a certain way. Only eating some foods, standing up or stealing bites from others instead of ever sitting down or ordering something for yourself.

Georgie: Even our food preferences can get flattened. One client said, I don't even know what I like to eat. I've just only ever eaten what I thought I was allowed to have. That's what this belief does. It strips away choice and replaces it with moral math. Let's talk about this word we keep circling around: deserve. Because if we're going to challenge the belief, "I don't deserve good things", we also have to ask, what does deserve even mean? And who decides what counts? The truth is deservingness is a murky idea. It's not a law of nature, it's a cultural script. One that shifts depending on your gender, your body size, your race, your income, your productivity, even your mood. What one person feels entitled to another person could feel guilty for even wanting.

Christina: Think about it. One person takes a nap and calls it rest. Another person takes a nap and calls themselves lazy. One person buys the expensive almond butter and thinks why not? Another stands in the aisle thinking, who do I think I am? It's the [00:12:00] same action, but a completely different sense of permission.

Georgie: So we start to police ourselves. We micromanage not just what we do, but what we want. We second guess pleasure, softness, rest, nourishment, and we call it, "well, I'm realistic", or "I'm easygoing", or "I'm just efficient". But really it's fear, it's shame. It's a story we learned from somewhere that says, good things have to be earned, and maybe you haven't done enough.

Christina: But the thing is. Deserving doesn't even need to be the metric. You don't have to earn rest. You don't have to justify joy. You don't have to explain why you want strawberries instead of stale cereal. You're allowed to want things simply because they bring you comfort, pleasure, or alignment to your values.

You're allowed to choose something good, not because you need it, but because it feels good, because you're curious, because you like it. Because you wanna support yourself.

Georgie: You don't have to keep living life like you're on trial. Not everything in your life needs a moral defense. Wanting isn't a problem. Enjoying something doesn't mean you're selfish or wasteful. Choosing what supports your happiness is not overindulgence. It's a choice available to you.

Christina: So the next time you hear that old reflex, I don't deserve this. Pause and ask. Do I really have to deserve it or do I just want it? That question might open a door to a new way of thinking and a new way of treating yourself. Before we wrap up, here's something to reflect on. Think about the way you give to others.

When a friend is having a hard day, do you ask yourself if they deserve kindness before offering it? When someone you love is tired, do you make them prove that they've earned a break? When your partner or child is hungry, do you [00:14:00] withhold food until they've been good enough?

Georgie: Of course not. You give freely without spreadsheets or moral math. You show up with care, not conditions. You believe other people are worthy of good things simply because they are, and you are no exception. So here is our invitation to you. What if you extend that same generosity to yourself? What if you didn't have to earn softness or rest or strawberries or free time? What if you didn't have to perform in any way to feel like it's appropriate to do something? Just 'cause it makes you happy?

Christina: This week try noticing when the idea of deserving creeps in and instead of asking, have I earned this? And then trying to work out whether the answer is yes or no? Throw out that entire question. Instead, try asking, if someone I love were in my position, what would I want them to give themselves? Start there and see what opens.

Georgie: If you'd like help untangling these old sticky beliefs, that's exactly what our coaches are trained to do. experts at helping people challenge the narratives that keep them stuck and develop new perspectives that make food care and rest feel possible again.

Christina: Because it's one thing to know you're allowed to receive good things. It's another thing to practice it in real life. You don't have to do that alone.

Georgie: You can learn more about working with us or support this podcast with a paid subscription At the links in the show notes. You can also reach out to my personal email at georgiefear@gmail.com. And from both Christina and me, thank you so much for being here.​