Let's Help Marissa
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Georgie: [00:00:00] This is the breaking up with binge eating podcast, where every listen moves you one step closer to complete food freedom hosted by me, Georgie fear and my team at confident eaters.

I love when we get letters from listeners, and today I want to share one that came in from Marissa. I'll read you her email. Hi Georgie, thanks for all your podcasts. The world wouldn't be the same without them. At least not my world. You already helped me so much. I don't binge anymore thanks to your podcast, but I still have some issues with sugar.

I'm still eating a lot of treats, mainly the sweet ones. I would really like to cut back. My goal would be to only eat the treats at night as a dessert, but somehow I'm not able to resist the treats when I have them in the [00:01:00] house. I continue to go back to them. I'm not even hungry. I just have this craving for chocolate.

Do you have any advice? Thanks a lot, Marissa. I thought Christina and I could definitely help her out, but we'd need a bit more information to flesh out this episode. I asked Marissa for some more detail with her challenges with these cravings, asking what has she tried so far to manage her sugar intake?

Has she also tried not keeping sugar at home? And then, what happened? I asked her what was going through her mind when she goes back for another treat. And another. Here is some of what she wrote back. I had a time when I banned all the treats from our house. This had quite an interesting effect. The good thing was that I did not eat treats at home.

Bad thing was that I went wild on the treats when I had the opportunity to do so. For example, when someone brought chocolate to the office or when I was invited to a birthday party. I was finding myself snacking on the chocolate all day long, starting with it [00:02:00] even before breakfast. Then I figured banning all treats might be counterproductive, and the goal should be actually to develop a healthy relationship with the sugary food, meaning being able to keep them at home without eating all of the cookies or the whole chocolate bar. She continued her email, but I think before we get to the rest of her email, let's talk about this first paragraph.

Christina: Sometimes in the effort to support your environment, you might think that you need to totally eliminate treats from your house or cut whole food groups out altogether. But what often happens is that it can lead to overeating those banned foods when you do have access to them, like Marissa experienced here. But it's great that she was open to trying experiments and noticing what was working and what was not working. What happens when we take extremes like banning foods we enjoy is that it can lead to what we sometimes call the forbidden fruit effect, where we want something even more after we've disallowed it. Food bans also [00:03:00] perpetuate a view of certain foods as good or bad, which isn't really true. If a food is good, it doesn't mean we want to only eat it. And if it's bad, it doesn't mean we want to avoid it at all costs, even though it's delicious. We prefer to think of foods on a spectrum because it's a more nuanced conversation than black or white. It's also important to consider the frequency, portions, and context that you're eating these types of foods. Lastly, banning things from our homes or swearing them off completely can undermine our trust in ourselves when we finally are around these foods. More on that in a bit. But all together, we really love the idea that she wants to be able to interact with these kinds of treat foods and feel more in control around them. Good for you, Marissa, in noticing that it was the experiment that wasn't working and not that it was anything wrong with you.

Georgie: Marissa continued in her explanation. Then I got inspired by one of your podcasts and focused on the worth it treats. I experimented a [00:04:00] lot with the treats and discovered that some are really not worth it. So I can have some sugary treats at home and not even have the desire to touch them because I know there are better options around.

That's an interesting experience because in the past, I simply ate everything.

This is really a positive change. It's common for people who have been on diets or tried for their whole lives to control their weight to think about certain foods like candies, cakes, cookies, or chocolate all in that same category. That is: really yummy, but really fattening. So they're simultaneously highly desirable, or they seem good, but there's something we try to resist, so we label them bad.

As Marissa has learned, and Christina mentioned, Replacing that black or white thinking with nuanced thinking is helpful, and she's been able to see that maybe not all of those foods are equally desirable. Some of them might be super delicious, but Marissa is also realizing that some things might have sugar in them or have lots of calories, [00:05:00] but still not just be all that great to her personal taste buds. It's kind of amazing how if we've spent years waging a war on ourselves trying to eat fewer cookies, that one day we can sort of step back and go, wait a second. I don't even like that brand of cookie. As Christina mentioned, thinking in terms of context and shades of gray might look like deciding certain foods aren't a problem to keep at home.

They're tasty, but you feel okay that you can moderate the portion. One of my clients, for example, doesn't keep cookies or chocolate in her house, but she has no issue with having jam in the fridge or honey. And she enjoys putting these on her toast. So it's not like everything with any amount of sugar is guaranteed to cause a problem.

Christina: That's why we all need to think about what is personally worth it to us, and then decide which treats are not worth it, just like Marissa has started to notice about some of the treats that she encounters. After you've figured out what's not worth it, these are an [00:06:00] automatic, no thank you. This helps to reduce treats right off the bat. And for the treats that are worth it, you want to have a frequency and context in mind that you do want to enjoy them. When we work with clients, we help them personalize their ideal worth it treat scenarios. So what's right for Marissa might not be the same for you. We also have two episodes diving in a bit deeper on how to determine you're worth it and not worth it lists on our Confident Eater podcast that we have linked in the description if you want to check those out.

Georgie: I think those are pretty popular episodes because, I mean, who doesn't want to eat treats, right?

Christina: Yeah, just how and when

Georgie: Yes, exactly. Everybody needs this conversation. So Marissa, on her own, seems like she went in exactly this direction, coming up with a plan. She continues in her email, I thought I would try the strategy of having one chocolate bar or another Worth It treat every night. Great. [00:07:00] I love this. I like how her plan is personalized and she includes her favorite foods in a moderate amount.

This feels really realistic to me. I wouldn't be as enthusiastic if her plan was, okay, one treat a week, because that's probably too restrictive. I haven't seen a lot of people have success with that, low frequency of treats. Not to say it can't be done, but It's less common and Marissa also specified a reasonable portion one chocolate bar I mean, that's better than saying one M& M, which is an unrealistically small portion size Nobody's gonna be happy with one M& M. Let's not get cute and pretend or a whole cake Which is probably an excessively large portion size Where we're not enjoying it as much by the tail end and we may feel uncomfortable after One chocolate bar is a really normal, reasonable amount. Marissa goes on to describe some of the reasons why she still hasn't had perfect success acting in line with her plan.

In her words, It's not always so easy to only eat [00:08:00] treats at night because there are simply so many opportunities when I'm offered chocolate. The cake at work, coffee with cookies at my cousin's house, and so on. There are many days where I can't stick to my goal, and only eat treats at night as a dessert.

I also usually think, Oh, I'll start tomorrow, or These six additional cookies won't hurt today. Tomorrow I'll be better. Or, I really want to try this cake. I think there's also some FOMO. Fear of missing out. When it comes to staying away from the sweet stuff, but every day comes with temptations.

Christina: what's awesome about what Marissa is describing is that this experience is so common and I think it's worth highlighting for those of you listening. Eating behaviors are complicated. She's been taking action through experimentation. She's tried banning the treats, but that led to overdoing it. Then she made a reasonable plan by allowing treats, but still struggling to stick to her plan and eating more treats than she [00:09:00] thinks is best. She's making good progress, but we wanted to help her stick to this plan that she put in place. We can understand from her experience that success with this lies somewhere in the messy middle. As she said, this isn't easy. It's hard because we are human and because these foods are delicious and we will crave some of them. It can be helpful to remind ourselves that there will be many opportunities presented to us that we can enjoy these treats. So if you notice your FOMO speaking up saying, now's your only chance, or I don't want to miss the lovely taste of that dessert. You can kindly remind it that delicious food is everywhere, and you're probably going to be offered more chocolate or dessert or cookies within the next 24 hours.

Georgie: Right, I've heard clients say they ate something because they feared missing out. FOMO can really screw you over, because it nudges you to say yes to everything, implying you'll be so sad if you say no. But in real life, Sometimes [00:10:00] saying no is genuinely the best thing for you and actually makes you happier, not sad.

Saying no to the second or third piece of pie at Thanksgiving is often a good choice when saying yes would leave you with a bellyache or move you further from your goal weight and leave you feeling regret. Reaching almost any goal means saying no some of the time. So get comfortable with the idea that saying no thank you, or not right now, can actually be a source of positive feelings.

You may find, like Marissa, that your personal plan for treats needs refining or adjusting once you give it an initial try. It's okay to plan for exceptions, such as, I'll have a chocolate bar every night, but on Sundays I'd prefer to go out for ice cream with my kids. I mean, not every day has to be the same.

You also don't need to specify the exact foods you'll have. If it works for you to have a frequency goal or a context goal, such as one treat a day, or [00:11:00] I only drink wine when I'm out to dinner, Marissa might decide that having cookies with her cousin is highly enjoyable. So she wants to say yes to that one.

But, then say no to her chocolate bar that same evening to stay within her overall goal of eating about one treat per day. Some of my clients have found success when their treats plan was focused only on the reason for eating a treat. For example, eating ice cream as a fun outing on a hot day fits within their values and feels good.

But eating ice cream because they're angry at their boss does not feel good. You get to choose when you say no, but the important thing is to recognize Saying no to some food opportunities is a necessary part of being healthy in today's abundant food world. So, for Marissa, I would think of saying no as a muscle you can strengthen.

practice saying no to some of the treats you're offered. And expect that like training a muscle, it's going to get stronger with time, making each repetition [00:12:00] feel less effortful. When you think, oh, I really want to try that, or I want that, now you can add in the new thought, but I want more is to feel in control of my eating.

Or yes, I might want that cookie, but I want to strengthen my saying no muscle even more. Resisting temptations and being able to turn down some treats is a big piece of success. Yes. But there's one more aspect Marissa brought up that we'd like to touch upon. Why don't you read this part, Christina?

Christina: She wrote, but after the chocolate bar, I usually struggle to stop because the treat is definitely worth it. And I end up going back to a second one, or sometimes there will also be a third one, et cetera. I usually think, oh, this was so yummy and so good. Let's have another one. I will only have one tomorrow, but of course tomorrow I will end up in the same situation. It's somehow a never ending circle. Marissa has identified that the chocolate is worth it in terms of taste and experience for [00:13:00] her, but the concept of worth it has to take into consideration the portion and frequency. How to say no to chocolate bar number two? A recommendation we often make to clients is to include their treats with a meal rather than as a solo event. If you've eaten a meal, it can make it easier to stop at one portion of a treat. So that's one way just to make it easier for you to stick to your plan. Secondly, how you eat chocolate bar number one can make a big difference as well. If you really savor and enjoy the first bar mindfully. Then the experience of the first chocolate bar will be more satisfying rather than thinking about the email that you have to write while you're eating it, or even feeling really guilty for eating chocolate in the 1st place. It really takes away from that enjoyment experience. Additionally, even if the 1st chocolate bar is delicious. You savor and enjoy it period. But then having that second chocolate bar [00:14:00] is costing much more. It might lead to feeling bloated or not sleeping well, and enjoyment tends to go down the more you eat. So not only does it cost more, but the returns are significantly less than if you just had the one. Especially if it means you aren't keeping your word to yourself, or eating that second bar of chocolate every night is not aligned with your values. It can be uncomfortable to sit with the fact that, Hey, I'd really like to have a second chocolate bar. But the thought of, I will only have one tomorrow is bargaining with the future. And is another thought that is sabotaging Marissa from her plan. It can be easy to think about how we can make up for it by being better tomorrow. I know that's a common

thing, or phrases

Georgie: mhmm

Christina: that we hear our clients say all the time, but what we would encourage you and Marissa to do here is Not to think about tomorrow, but to stay focused on tonight. There are also some positive things that come with saying no to the second chocolate bar. You can think about how proud you will feel by [00:15:00] sticking with your plan. This is something you've talked about and thought about and wrote to us about in an email. And now you're following through with it. While at the same time, we know that it means sitting with the discomfort of wanting that second bar, but trying something new instead. We also recommend that you spend as little time as possible feeling tempted with chocolate bar number two and move on to a different pleasant activity, like painting your nails or calling a friend or playing a game on your phone. We know that the lifespan of sweet momentum, a. k. a. when you've had that first chocolate bar and you have an urge for a second, lasts about 10 minutes. So if you can delay the urge for 10 minutes by doing an alternative activity, you can more easily move on.

Georgie: It's like you've escaped the gravitational pull of the second chocolate bar after 10 minutes.

Christina: exactly.

Georgie: So, Marissa, we hope this has given you some new ideas and insights to think about when you're continuing to practice your skills. You've [00:16:00] put in a lot of effort and made some great progress already, just by giving some things a try and encouraging yourself to continue troubleshooting when things don't go to plan.

Well done. To recap for everyone listening, if you're struggling with treats which is super duper common, swearing them off completely is a common thing to try, but it pretty much never works. So instead, think about which treats are your real favorites. Make a plan to enjoy those really worth it ones and pass on the others.

Your plan can be a number of times per day or to only have them in certain settings or only for certain reasons, but keep it realistic. Remember, you can always adjust it down the road. Once you have a plan, sticking to that plan means you'll say no to things that either aren't on your highly worth it list, that don't fit your settings or reasons, or that would take you over the total amount of treats that you've determined will move you closer to your goals.

It might be the best [00:17:00] treat in the world, in the most ideal setting, but if you've already had five desserts that day, it's probably a better idea just to say no thanks. And lastly, once you've opted in for a treat, you want to remember that the plan includes stopping at the reasonable portion you decided on.

Timing genuinely helps. Choosing to have a treat with a meal goes a long way toward being able to resist having a second. Also, savoring your treats mindfully, guilt free, enhances the experience so that you might feel like one is really enough. You can also remind yourself of the positive emotions you can get from not going over the planned amount, and that the chocolate bar number two may taste good, but it's not going to be as good as the first.

You'll probably enjoy much more having built up a stronger level of trust in yourself. Empowerment is sweet indeed. To Marissa, we're so glad you reached out. To anyone else listening, feel free to write to us with [00:18:00] your questions. We're always available to help you out on both the Breaking Up With Binge Eating podcast and our other show, the Confident Eaters podcast.

You can drop us a line at confidenteaters. com or shoot me a direct email, georgiefear at gmail. com. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you in the next episode.